Junk Mails

Disclaimer: Everything I say (ever in life) is probably said in a dazed state and probably does not mean a thing and probably is here just so that I (or others) could get a laugh. Please don't go marching on the streets protesting my arrest as an anti-social element. Howsoever crazy the idea seems, I want to tell you that you do have the right to NOT read it if you don't want to.
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Lately I have been getting so many junk forwards, I have seriously considered wielding my hatchet over those unsuspecting innocent souls who, I guess, do not realize that just by pressing a send over the "Forward" button in their mail browsers, they are helping in dumbing down the Internet to levels I had not thought possible (Yes, I have a hatchet. I keep it for emergencies like burgulary, street fights, terror attacks, if I meet Karan Johar or Ekta Kapoor some day, if there are too many children blasting off my ears in an an airplane etc.). The situation has become so bad, I have had to make a mail filter which sends mails with subjects having the word "Fwd" or any of its variants straight to Trash. I had thought of sending an e-hatchet as an auto reply to such mails but realized that I still live in a "civilized" society so probably that won't be taken in the right spirit. Nevertheless, here are some of the common types of forwards people keep inflicting upon humanity even though I am sure they have not had abusive parentage or exploited childhood and the world does not have anything against them:

1. 26 things a boyfriend should do to make his girlfriend love him: Just when you are rubbing your hands in excitement at being in the possession of the greatest set of gurumantra ever, you read the first point and are forced to break your Television just because you would probably have inflicted fatal wounds to your head had you not had some inanimate object to vent your fury upon. It reads, "Say ouch cutely when she hits you". Seriously ? Isn't that supposed to be spousal abuse and violence ? How about my making a video of the hienous crime and dragging her to the court so that I could extract some money out of the incidence upon charges of manhandling, mental trauma and violence and then buying some Round Table cheese slices, which by the way rule so much, I sometimes have to wonder if even God has them in his lunch (because I am pretty sure that God is a vegetarian).

2. Help a child dying with cancer. Pass this email : This kind of mail is probably written by someone (I will call him the 'Hacker!' in the spirit of the 'Dude!') who, I am guessing, flunked his computer course in his undergrad. He is not good enough to code-up a virus which could go to people's mail boxes and kick everyone's ass by transmitting itself to all those present in the address book, so he just makes up a laughably foolish tale of a cancer child who would be saved miraculously, if only you could forward his mail to all of your friends (thereby bringing the tally of your friends to ZERO). How pathetic ! you 'Hacker!'. THE ONE THING YOU HAD TO DO!!!. Even if I wanted to help that poor child, I am too lazy (and probably wise) to send it to all of my acquaintances. You could as well have coded a virus and named it "I-am-a-malicious-virus-but-I-believe-that-you-are-foolish-enough-to-still-fall-in-the-trap-and-open-me-for-I-have-been-effectively-disguised-to-take-advantage-of-your-bleeding-heart.vir" and be sure that with the amount of intelligence I have been gifted, I would easily have opened it. Seriously. Does anyone ever send those mails forward ? Oh wait! How did I get this ?... Where is my hatchet ?

3. Send this to 3 people, you will have your wish........... otherwise.............: Ooooooooooooooooooo. I am so afraid, I could not even sleep properly and had to watch KKKG IAALYF (for those of you who could not decode it: Kabhee khushi kabhee gham, Its all about loving your family, Yo!) just so that I could sleep (too bad that I almost choked upon suffocating mediocrity). I am so damn scared about the possibility of the curse of a junk mail ruining my life, I almost decide to do the impossible and the despicable i.e. send it to 3 friends atleast but then I wake up. The worst part of such a forward is that you see that the person who has sent you the mail has sent it to either 3 or 6 or 9 persons (or whatever number the mail mentions) and realize that homo sapiens is no longer the cleverest of all species. Seriously, I have stopped making donkey jokes. If donkeys ever come to know about this, they will kick some serious human ass.

4. From the desk of Mr......, Burkina Faso : These are one of those mails which claim that they are willing to pay millions of dollars for nothing and the worst part with them is that their subject does not contain "Fwd" so I cannot delete them automatically. But guess what. Their premise is so overwhelmingly foolish, you would believe that all the foolishness in the world has been used up by this one mail, but then you watch "Kyonki saas bhee kabhee bahu thee" and start believing in the infinity of foolishness. These mails are so stupid, they could as well have contained "Fwd" in their subject. Their subject would have read "Fwd: You have won 13 million dollars" and you would have wondered how come such an important and personal news comes to me in the form of a Forward. But if you think like this, you deserve to get scammed by those people. Here is what you do when you get one of these mails: DELETE THEM. Personally, I always send them an e-hatchet in return just because thos fools did not include an "Fwd" in their subject line and wasted my precious time.

There is so much much more but I am bored now. Rest for later.