A completely random post

I was just wondering... If ever the world had the insight of appointing me as king, I would make the following changes. To the untrained eye these changes would seem unnecessary and completely uncalled for but I can assure you that they would serve humanity well if incorporated:

1. I would provide a free lunch to everyone in the world atleast once just to debunk the oft repeated, completely unnecessary and stupendously foolish saying : There are no free lunches in the world. Seriously, I can't believe how can people be straight faced and say this even when they had their share of all those free lunches which tolled upon the limited expenses of all those birthday boys who were their friends. What about all those years everyone was at home eating off their fathers' pockets ? Those were all free. And all those marriage parties everyone kept going to even though they had no idea who the bride or the groom were ? Huh... Me:1, Rest of the World: 0

2. No more free coffee in companies. I have lately been dwelling upon this phenomenon a lot. Why do companies give free coffee to its employees ? Its not as philanthropic as you would think. You know what is the one thing coffee has in spades and which these capitalist conglomerates have had the foresight of using to their own benefits ? Its Caffiene. It keeps people awake. Why don't they provide free alchohol or drinks ? Because it doesn't serve their purpose. No more free coffee. On second thoughts, offering coffee or any other stimulant to someone who wants to sleep shall now be a crime. Me:1, Giant capitalistic multinational conglomerates: 0

3. Cricket shall be made the national (well... for lack of a better word) game of the world and Federer the universal god. Anyone playing American football will need to be either below 5 years of age or someone of a similar certified mental capacity. Games like Lacrosse and golf shall be banned and only prisoners shall be subjected to the agony of playing these. Ludo shall be included in Olympics and by the way each and every gold shall, by default, go to India. Why compete when your citizen is the head of the world ?

4. Karan Johar, Ekta Kapoor will be put in jail for life. Oh by the way, for doing so, I will need to create jails for monkeys. No more mediocre stuff on Television. Anyone not able to spell "I AM NOT A MORON" shall not be allowed to make serials or movies. In this way we can be sure that we are never again subjected to the tortures of Mohabbatein or KKKG or their ilk. Anyone not able to tell his 'C' from his 'G' shall not be allowed to compose music so that we can eliminate people like Anu Malik. On second thoughts, anyone ready to sell his principles or the standards of his art for 100 bucks or less shall not be allowed to do what he wants. We don't want people like Jim Davis (Garfield) running around. Its about time we get some decent, intelligent entertainment.

5. No more cute names for kids. How about getting a bit creative. How about naming your kid something like 'MortalKombat' ? How about starting his name with a special character like '&' ? How about sprinkling some more special characters like '&An$%78k23i t' ? Hell, try and name him ' '. That way whenever the teacher is taking attendance and she is quiet for a space of 8 seconds, your son will get up and say 'Present'. If you want more fun, name your other son with 7 spaces. I cannot imagine how great and confusing it would be. Seriously, is there a law which says you cannot do that ?

6. I have discussed this with phantom. There shall be a tax on stupidity. This is the only way by which an equitable distribution of wealth can be achieved. It also says a lot about the general distribution of wealth in the present society. It will have slabs which will depend upon a person's annual income and his IQ. It will be configured in such a way that if you somehow manage to amass as much stupidity as Paris Hilton and still manage to breathe, there shall be a 100% tax on you. Pretty nifty, eh ?

7. Since India is too narrow to have different time zones (USSR had 16 at one point), I would divide the country into horizontal time zones. I understand that it would not serve any purpose but no Indian will ever again have to lower his eyes in shame when asked by an American, how many time zones does your country have ? Huh. 17 ! And we don't even need them. Indians : 1, Americans: 0.

8. No decorative dogs strictly. No more cutefying your dog. A dog is supposed to bark his lungs out. If he cannot do that, his license as a dog will be revoked. If he does not go mad and run after cyclists, he is not worthy enough of being called a dog. No certified dog shall be allowed to be of the size of a mouse or a hamster. No more clothes and ribbons and socks for pets. No more 'great tasting' dog food.

9. Following phrases shall be stricken out of the English language as they don't mean a thing:
a. 'Hi, How are you doing?" (Especially if said by a person on a store counter)
b. 'I was like...' and 'Oh my gosh' (Especially if uttered by a teenage girl. On second thoughts most of the things she utters)
c. 'Live life to the fullest'
d. 'Keep climbing'
etc.

10. When my term is about to end, I will make another amendment proclaiming the throne for five more years so that I could make more of these senseless laws.