So many people during the last few days have told me that I criticize too much and that I should, for a change, praise something. So I decided to look into the things I could praise and came up with this extremely comprehensive list :

1. Federer (you know that alpha male of human species)
2. Cricket vis a vis Soccer (man, cricket rules so much, soccer does not even hold a candle to its greatness)

and then I ran out of ideas. The fact of the matter is that there are so many other things to praise but in all those cases, I just cannot be radical enough to piss off atleast some people and till there are atleast some people whose egos are hurt while I praise something shamelessly, where is the fun ? I could praise hindi poetry and classical music but why should I do it if everyone agrees with my point of view ? It will be just like 10 people sitting on a table starting to argue whether Hitler was right or wrong but everyone believing that Hitler was wrong. Such a discussion can never be interesting, far less informative and thought provoking. If I had been at that table I would atleast have started by praising Hitler just so that I could hurt some pointless egos. Its extremely interesting to see how easily people get threatened by a difference in point of view and how easily they assume the status of moral police just so that they could bring normalcy to a world gone haywire by the innocuous opinions of one random guy. I would ofcourse have been mercilessly mauled in that group but I would consider that a bargain. The fact of the matter is that we have far too many conformists pottering about in the society who would rather be politically correct than be themselves or atleast a bit of a sport. They think too much about what should be acceptable social behaviour and are far too afraid to have a radical, even a different point of view (and don't go shooting around with allegations of my being an elitist. If you did get offended by the last sentence then you probably do belong to the generalization I talked about and I can't do anything about it but if you did'nt get offended, so much the better. Its just my opinion and no one needs to go ballistic over it. If someone does go ballistic, I can only have a laugh.). I am not saying that mocking someone in a social gathering when he is demonstrably uncomfortable is right because it is not. If you do that you need to be sent to the gallows in my book because then you are one of those jerks who, in the ecstacy of hogging the limelight, tramples upon the emotions and sentiments of those who are too polite to hit you in the face with a hatchet then and there.

So this brings me to the crux of my discussion. Why do I criticise so much ? Its simple. Its a lot of fun. I am not necesarily a cynic although I do believe in everything I say to atleast some degree. The rest of it is just, what do you call, garnishing. It just so happens that most of the things I do not like (or hate) happen to be things which present ample room for scathing sarcasm on account of their overwhelming foolishness or stupidity. I am principally against them but all the spicing is just so that I could get a humurous point of view. So I decided to make a list of things that I do hate. Its a pretty comprehensive list and I am sure that some of it atleast is going to piss off each one of you but don't develop a hatred against me on account of it because this is what you expect from two different human beings: A difference in opinion in atleast some fields of life:

People who:
1. dye their hair, drink 8$ frappuchinos, wear extreme clothings or baggy pants, follow trends mindlessly, belong to Generation X, buy the latest gadgets, eat meat filled burgers, smoke, drink not because they want it or like it but just to prove some stupid point. Nobody cares. Atleast I don't.
2. sell their morals and principals too easily for money. Most of us have a selling price but still it doesn't stop me from hating it. I might also have a selling price and I hate that possibility because I know that there HAVE been some mortals who never sold themselves from money.
3. are pseudo feminists, "socialites" (what does that mean anyways), pseudo humanitarians, pseudo social activists, pseudo moralists, religious extremists, fanatics (I approve of nationalists though). In essence all those who are trying to be someone they are not. And believe me, it is much easier to spot them than they ever thought possible.

4. Obnoxious, shrill, misbehaved children. There are far too many jerks in the world and I assume they all used to be obnoxious, shrill, misbehaved children. I don't dislike these children as much as I dislike their parents who are just nurturing another future jerk. And did you notice how easily I managed to be entirely politically incorrect !

5. TV shows like Friends, family soaps, american football (man, did you ever see another game which required lesser skill to play. Even Ludo needs more skill), movies like Independence day, KKKG IAALYF Yo!, Titanic etc. They are far too insulting to a human being's intelligence to even be considered for release. I cannot comprehend how they manage to do so well.

6. immorality, dishonesty, too much conformism (as it kills creativity and free thinking), girls who talk about feminism but take undue advantage of their status as girls to move up in society by pleasing their bosses and who would expect you to leave your seat in a bus for them (equality my foot), the bosses who are so stupid to fall in the trap, boys who would rather take the course of empty praise to move up the social ladder than talent and hardwork.

I haven't even scratched the surface and I have so many things. There are surely many more things but you do get the idea why I criticise so much. There is far too much matter out there to make a delicious recipe of humurous bashing. Meanwhile I have decided that I will be updating this only on the weekends unless ofcourse if I decide otherwise :-).

P.S: Oh by the way if you did not get it, I was joking the whole time !!!!!!!!

I was going through my daily motions of reading the articles on rediff, flinching at every next mention of 'Abhivarya', posting some stinging comments on the 1032nd report analyzing the utterly pointless and quiet disposable event of Shilpa Shetty derogated on Big Brother (Seriously, how can people be so jobless as to have the time to read those junk articles. Now I am sure some of you would say, "But Ankit you also read that article, LOL!!!", and I would say, "So What" and look shamelesly in the other direction)... You know, minding my own business as usual when I came across this article which mentioned this word bullshit and wrote it like bullsh*t and immediately, in the capacity of a self-appointed ass-kicker of hypocrisy, my bullshit detector started ringing like crazy.

I just don't get it. I can almost picture the man who wrote the article. When the moment came to vent his basic anger at whatever he was dissecting, he must have thought:

"hmmm, what should I write, what should I write... Oh yes... bullshit... but that won't be acceptable to the society... hmmm... hmmm... hmmm... how about bullsh*t !!!... Ingenious, Brilliant, Innovative... Man, I rule so much"

and he would have smirked a little, just like Edison would have smirked upon getting his 1022nd patent. However, in all the ecstacy of his stumbling upon this entirely genius plan he forgot one thing: His readers are not unicelled blue green algae and most of them possess enough gray matter to come up with the word bullshit when presented with the word bullsh*t. I assume that he expected one of the two scenarios, either of which will render his stance pretty much void:

1. I hope that people will figure out that what I am trying to say is the word 'bullshit'.
Argument: First of all, thanks for showing so much belief in the mental capacities of fellow humans but my point is that if most of the people ARE able to decode your elaborately encrypted code, doesn't it defeat your whole purpose ? If most of the people can add 2+2 then I contest that bullsh*t is as offensive as bullshit to all those for whom it is offensive. And seriously, we are talking about humans here. Not jellyfishes, not logs of wood, not Ekta Kapoors. Lets give some respect to their intelligence.

2. I hope that people won't be able to figure out what I truly meant by writing bullsh*t.
Argument: Do I even need to present an argument ? Nevertheless, whats the point of using a word in an article when you are wishing that no one will be able to get its import ? And I am sure that you are not doing any justice to your writing skills if you are writing for those who won't be able to make out bullshit from bullsh*t.

Nevertheless, the point which emerges from all this rambling is that if you do not want to offend people (which should depend entirely upon your set of ethics and your own social considerations) by writing some offensive word, don't write it at all. Don't go through the pains of encrypting it in a laughably moronic code only to end up getting decoded left, right and center by most of the humans and even some trained dogs and cats. I could delve into the psychological underpinnings of such an impulse, but I would rather save my and everyone else's time by terming it asyet another shining example social hypocrisy.

If you are music afficionados of any kind whatsoever*, you have to watch it. Full Stop:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=1BqAfNKb0Q4
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UApLjfmJGbw&NR

Pandit Ravishankar and Ustad Allarakha in a mindshattering performance in Monterey. Combined video length is 18 minutes so watch it when you have ample time. Look at the spiritual rapture at the end and extended standing ovation. I am floored. Completely floored. I should just shut the hell up here because I don't even have words to adorn such a fantabulous performance.

*well if you like Britney spears or her ilk and your age is in double digits, in my opinion you need to evaluate your life right now. And yes, do tell me so that I can send you to my quarantined list.

Disclaimer: Everything I say (ever in life) is probably said in a dazed state and probably does not mean a thing and probably is here just so that I (or others) could get a laugh. Please don't go marching on the streets protesting my arrest as an anti-social element. Howsoever crazy the idea seems, I want to tell you that you do have the right to NOT read it if you don't want to.
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Lately I have been getting so many junk forwards, I have seriously considered wielding my hatchet over those unsuspecting innocent souls who, I guess, do not realize that just by pressing a send over the "Forward" button in their mail browsers, they are helping in dumbing down the Internet to levels I had not thought possible (Yes, I have a hatchet. I keep it for emergencies like burgulary, street fights, terror attacks, if I meet Karan Johar or Ekta Kapoor some day, if there are too many children blasting off my ears in an an airplane etc.). The situation has become so bad, I have had to make a mail filter which sends mails with subjects having the word "Fwd" or any of its variants straight to Trash. I had thought of sending an e-hatchet as an auto reply to such mails but realized that I still live in a "civilized" society so probably that won't be taken in the right spirit. Nevertheless, here are some of the common types of forwards people keep inflicting upon humanity even though I am sure they have not had abusive parentage or exploited childhood and the world does not have anything against them:

1. 26 things a boyfriend should do to make his girlfriend love him: Just when you are rubbing your hands in excitement at being in the possession of the greatest set of gurumantra ever, you read the first point and are forced to break your Television just because you would probably have inflicted fatal wounds to your head had you not had some inanimate object to vent your fury upon. It reads, "Say ouch cutely when she hits you". Seriously ? Isn't that supposed to be spousal abuse and violence ? How about my making a video of the hienous crime and dragging her to the court so that I could extract some money out of the incidence upon charges of manhandling, mental trauma and violence and then buying some Round Table cheese slices, which by the way rule so much, I sometimes have to wonder if even God has them in his lunch (because I am pretty sure that God is a vegetarian).

2. Help a child dying with cancer. Pass this email : This kind of mail is probably written by someone (I will call him the 'Hacker!' in the spirit of the 'Dude!') who, I am guessing, flunked his computer course in his undergrad. He is not good enough to code-up a virus which could go to people's mail boxes and kick everyone's ass by transmitting itself to all those present in the address book, so he just makes up a laughably foolish tale of a cancer child who would be saved miraculously, if only you could forward his mail to all of your friends (thereby bringing the tally of your friends to ZERO). How pathetic ! you 'Hacker!'. THE ONE THING YOU HAD TO DO!!!. Even if I wanted to help that poor child, I am too lazy (and probably wise) to send it to all of my acquaintances. You could as well have coded a virus and named it "I-am-a-malicious-virus-but-I-believe-that-you-are-foolish-enough-to-still-fall-in-the-trap-and-open-me-for-I-have-been-effectively-disguised-to-take-advantage-of-your-bleeding-heart.vir" and be sure that with the amount of intelligence I have been gifted, I would easily have opened it. Seriously. Does anyone ever send those mails forward ? Oh wait! How did I get this ?... Where is my hatchet ?

3. Send this to 3 people, you will have your wish........... otherwise.............: Ooooooooooooooooooo. I am so afraid, I could not even sleep properly and had to watch KKKG IAALYF (for those of you who could not decode it: Kabhee khushi kabhee gham, Its all about loving your family, Yo!) just so that I could sleep (too bad that I almost choked upon suffocating mediocrity). I am so damn scared about the possibility of the curse of a junk mail ruining my life, I almost decide to do the impossible and the despicable i.e. send it to 3 friends atleast but then I wake up. The worst part of such a forward is that you see that the person who has sent you the mail has sent it to either 3 or 6 or 9 persons (or whatever number the mail mentions) and realize that homo sapiens is no longer the cleverest of all species. Seriously, I have stopped making donkey jokes. If donkeys ever come to know about this, they will kick some serious human ass.

4. From the desk of Mr......, Burkina Faso : These are one of those mails which claim that they are willing to pay millions of dollars for nothing and the worst part with them is that their subject does not contain "Fwd" so I cannot delete them automatically. But guess what. Their premise is so overwhelmingly foolish, you would believe that all the foolishness in the world has been used up by this one mail, but then you watch "Kyonki saas bhee kabhee bahu thee" and start believing in the infinity of foolishness. These mails are so stupid, they could as well have contained "Fwd" in their subject. Their subject would have read "Fwd: You have won 13 million dollars" and you would have wondered how come such an important and personal news comes to me in the form of a Forward. But if you think like this, you deserve to get scammed by those people. Here is what you do when you get one of these mails: DELETE THEM. Personally, I always send them an e-hatchet in return just because thos fools did not include an "Fwd" in their subject line and wasted my precious time.

There is so much much more but I am bored now. Rest for later.

Ok. Pop Quiz.

Q1. What the hell is wrong with the world ?
Q2. Why are people like Mallika Sherawat, Koena Mitra and Rakhi Sawant still alive ?
Q3. What right do they have to be so damn stupid ?

I was just watching this KBC episode on youtube when my room-mate happened to click on Mallika's new year stage performance. Just as I was watching her shameless antics, I realized that we as a society might be closer to chimpanzees than we think (or perhaps Jellyfishes or donkeys). Nevertheless, I couldn't figure out how on earth could it be broadcasted on national television. I mean, where has all the decency gone ? For god's sake, freedom of expression is one thing and jiggling your undraped body over national television (NEWS!) for the viewing pleasure (or displeasure) of general public including children, parents and elderly is an altogether different ball game. Last time I heard, sensuality was supposed to be expressed more in subtlety than in crassness. When did they change that ? When did the general public lose all its taste for quality ? I would like to answer some of the general arguments in support of such shows that we face :

1. Its a feminist revolution.
Argument: No kidding. Seriously ? Lets just ask Rakhi Sawant what she understands by feminism some day. I have a pretty good idea about her IQ (after reading those interviews) and I can safely say that she won't score better than a mentally retarded earthworm who has had 3 tequila shots. The problem lies in the fact that too many ladies today are ready to climb up the ladder by selling their bodies and are too ashamed to admit it and would rather attribute their behaviour to some screwed up notion of feminism. They have no idea what injustices the feminist movement struggled against but are all too ready to take the shelter of 'feminism' when asked uncomfortable questions like 'Was it so necessary to take your clothes off for an action sequence ?". Why won't they just stand for their beliefs and principles. I guess they don't have any.

2. Its a matter of personal choice. Don't watch it if you don't like.
Argument: First of all, I can safely say that such an argument would either come from one of those metropolitant youths who have far too much money to have any rationality left in their heads or those college kids who, I am sorry to say, have only a preliminary idea of reality because, lets face it, between all their breakups and romances and classes and picnics and parties and discos, they hardly have any time left for rational inquiry (I was not very different so I don't blame them). Nevertheless, do I mind ? Hell yes I do. It would have been fine if Mallika had done an X-rated video and sold her CDs but who gives her the right to come dancing in my living room in all her transparent glory, completely uninvited ? Personal choice, my foot. The next person who tries to be diplomatic and "open-minded" and tries to teach me that I am one of those few orthodox fools who have been left behind in all this modernistic wave will have his hair pulled off and his foot in his mouth.

3. Have it. Flaunt it. (Mallika said this once I guess)
Argument: Agreed. But I am sure you have more. Why not flaunt that. Or am I crossing a sacrosanct territory ? Why this hypocrisy ? Why don't you flaunt it in every possible scene or party or movie ? Because somewhere down below you want to be seen as a serious actress, right ? Well get this, you are not. You probably possess as much acting talent as a charred log of wood. Only you are more annoying.

4. The scene (situation) demands it
Argument: Boy I have heard drivel. High quality insanity. But this line takes the cake. Who are they trying to fool. Agreed that as a society, we have failed miserably but still the average IQ of the nation would be atleast 20 points higher than any of those random actresses. Your veil is as transparent as your dress, missy.

I yearn for those days when sensuality and sexuality were implied. It doesn't have to be gross and visible to leave an impact. Too much detail kills the feel and the emotion of a situation and renders it disgusting. So while I understand that crass sexuality is a reality I have to live with, there is an easy solution which could remedy the situation. Instead of using garbage for making landfills, we could as well dump immoral hacks like Koena Mitra, Neha Dhupia etc. there. Although our environment would start smelling foul with all the garbage around, I for one is ready to live with that. Besides, I am sure that howsoever worthless the lives of such people are, they will atleast make usable manure.

If the title, "Manos" The hands of fate, does not strike cold fear into your heart then seriously dude, you need to see a doctor. This is one of those movies which comes once in a century, kicks incomprehensible amount of ass but no one notices because everyone is busy either crying buckets in KKKG (IAALYF) (for those who could not decode it: Kabhee khushi kabhee gham, Its all about loving your family, yo!) or racking their neurons on occult and ultimately futile endeavours like Mulholland Drive or going "Yo! America" in movies like Independence Day and God-bless-America-for-saving-the-world-again-for-everyone-else-is-supposedly-pusillanimous-enough-not-to-be-able-to-stand-on-their-own-feet.

The movie was written, produced, directed and starred (stop laughing) by American fertilizer salesman (I said stop!) Hal Warren as the result of a bet he made with his friends wherein he intended to make a successful horror movie on a shoestring budget. The movie was a complete failure at the box office but later scientific analysis of this phenomenon revealed that it happened because the theatre going public was still caught in the post-modernistic era and the frontal lobes of their brains were not developed enough to appreciate the genius of this great piece of art. Its like Vincent Van Gogh. He did not sell even a single painting all his life but look at the scene now, huh? Who is laughing his ass off now ? I would love to see the sullen faces of those who refused to buy his paintings then. Same is the case with Manos. 3 milleniums from now when homo sapiens will have developed enough to ragard story, coherence, dialogues, direction, acting, screenplay, edition and music as not so necessary elements for a good movie, this movie will kick some serious ass.

The movie starts with a 13 minute sequence where a camera just keeps on looking out from a moving car towards green fields and mountains. It was supposed to be the time when they had to roll the credits but basically those guys forgot this small detail so we just have a moving car for 13 minutes. Now don't think even for a second that this is a complete waste. Boy oh boy. Believe me, you will need to get settled for this movie. You will need each one of those 13 minutes to sink comfortably back in your chair because once the kickery starts, you will have your face rocked off forever. You will have to deal with one corny dialogue after another, one incoherent scene after another, one ham-act after another until you are left gasping for air, your hair all wet with perspiration, your voice barely making its way out of your parched mouth, your life begging for mercy. But mind you. No mercy shall be shown for Manos, the evil master, does not approve of mercy.

Man, I could go on and on and not be able to capture the glory of the movie in words. Lets just say that "Manos" The hands of fate is probably the most interesting event in the history of the universe after big bang i.e. if Big Bang ever happened. If not than "Manos" The hands of fate is THE greatest event ever. Here is a wikipedia article (written by some ignorant moron) about the movie. Don't believe even a single word. You have no idea how far off the mark, the article is :

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/%22Manos%22_The_Hands_of_Fate

I am sure that what I am about to say might invite a lot of flak but I would still go ahead and commit harakiri by stating something that I think is as axiomatic in the world as the result of 2+2 but nevertheless, is seldom admitted in social gatherings and public, for it carries with it the risk of inducing gasps, incredulous stares and hostile behaviour in fellow homo sapiens. So here it goes:

"FRIENDS SUCKS"

Man I feel so relieved. To even think that a human being could pack such an overwhelming amount of truth in just 2 words might have given jitters to people in the later part of the last century. But seriously, it is not me. Its just that 'Friends' is so crappy, any more words used to describe its crappiness would seem superfluous. Its like if you are trying to berate the actions of hitler. You just sway your head and say what he did was monstrous. You just cannot catch that amount of monstrosity in words so why even try ? Same is the case with Friends. The story of 6 people living in close proximity (literally), doing, well umm... nothing for most part, speaking, well umm... nothing substantial for most part and behaving, well umm... quiet immorally for most part.

Each episode starts with my imagining how much fun it would be to punch each one of them in the face (although for some inexplicable reason they never air this fantasy... I wonder why), then wanders onto exactly three different relationship issues. Each episode features new 'relationships' and after the 3rd episode of season 2, I became thoroughly confused as to who 2 were siblings, who was engaged to whom a few episodes back and why did they break up. I gave up trying to figure out as to why I should laugh at each of Joey's foolish acts (Seriously, if you keep banging your head on the door, a time will come when a sane person will stop laughing) or the smartass comments which the rest of the cast keep on inflicting upon the world for no apparent reason. I contest that the presence of a mere laughing track playing in the background is not reason enough for me give free reins to my zygomaticus major muscle.

To say the truth, there was a time when I used to like Friends but then I turned 20 and realized that comedy does not have to stoop to the level of mindless antics to be entertaining and that things which insult my intelligence as a human being do not deserve any respect whatsoever. I guess Friends is a big hit in India also and the only reason I can see is the complete lack of competing intelligent humour on Indian television but thats a completely different issue.

Before someone asks me, I would like to answer the question: 'If its so bad why do you keep on watching it'. The answer is simple. Its funny. No not the show. I do not laugh because of the show. I laugh at the show. And moreover, its an awesome feeling pestering the hell out of those who like the show :). Its the same reason why I argue with my parents about those Ekta Kapoor shows or with some of my friends about Karan Johar movies or with my roommate about how cricket is better than soccer. I just want to see how mad they will become before realizing that the argument is as worthless as a 5 paise coin.

I had decided not to write anything before I perfect Fur Elise (:-)) but the latest developments have been so astounding that I could not restrain myself.

Ha Ha Ha Ha.......................
I could laugh all through the article and be able to convey my deepest emotions over the Semi Final in Australian Open between Federer and Roddick, but I guess it won't be that interesting a read. So I will try to put in words what can only be surmised in skipped heartbeats and astonished gasps.

So much for the gap being closed. So much for the challenge of the young and the roar of the contemprory. So much for Federer being mortal. If you did not see the cold blooded murder which was committed this wednesday, you have missed one of the greatest spectacles which this creatively stunted society has to offer. It was not so much a victory but more of a virtuoso performance wherein Roddick was just reduced to the role of the facilitator of greatness. He was reduced to the status of a mere spectator (albiet with the best seats in the stadium) who watched helplessly as impossible cross-court passes eluded his formidable reach, as screaching forehand winners whizzed past his ears and as perfectly calculated lobs went soaring over his head. I do not blame his frustration. You are not supposed to be humiliated in such a fashion WHEN YOU ARE RANKED 6 IN THE WORLD. You are not supposed to be broken 5 times straight when YOU HAVE THE FASTEST SERVE IN THE WORLD. You are not supposed to be decimated in such a fashion when YOU HAVE BEEN KICKING EVERYONE ELSE'S ASS.

Federer glided on the court with the aplomb of Galina Ulanova (Ballet). He played with the imagination and creativity of Beethoven. He dominated with the ferocity of the Don (Bradman) and took care of affairs with the promptness and expertise of Holmes (Sherlock). It was such a spiritual experience. Just when I think the world has got nothing more to offer than stale celebrity gossip, depressing violent tales, immoral escapades of trechearous politicians or the vulgar materialistic success stories, something this pure comes up and reinstates my belief in basic human creativity.

There is still a final to go and I am sure that if Federer loses, there will be an army of people ready to kick my ass for my unabashed boasting Fedex's godlike stature. But what the hell. The chances of that happening are less than that of my getting "ALL" of this years nobel prizes and the next field medal :).